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Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire/Transcript
Act 1 "The Simpsons Christmas Special" appears on screen. The episode begins with Homer, Marge and Maggie arriving at Springfield Elementary School. They are late for the schools' Christmas show. MARGE Oh, careful, Homer! HOMER There's no time to be careful, we're late. They enter the hall. A class is singing "Oh, Little Town of Bethlehem". MARGE Sorry, excuse me, pardon me, sorry. HOMER Hey Norman, how is it going? So you got dragged out here too, huh? MARGE Excuse me, excuse me. HOMER How are you doing, Fred? Yeah. Excuse me. (he steps on someone's feet) Oops, pardon my galoshes. The audience applaud. Principal Skinner comes on stage. SKINNER Wasn't that wonderful? And now, the Santa's of many lands, as presented by the entire second grade class. MARGE Oh, Lisa's class. GIRL Frohlich Weihnachten. That's German for Merry Christmas. In Germany Santa servant Bruprecht gives presents to good children and whipping rods to the parents of bad ones. The audience applaud. BOY Merry Kurisumasu I am Hotiashi a Japanese priest who acts like Santa Clause. I have eyes in the back of my head so children better behave when I'm nearby. He turns around to reveal glasses (with eyes attached) on the back of his head. One of the eyes pops out, and the crowd gasp, then applaud. MR. LARGO Now presenting Lisa Simpson as Towanga, the Santa Clause of the South Seas. HOMER Oh it's Lisa! That's ours. Lisa, wearing a witch doctor mask and grass skirt, juggles flaming torches. SKINNER Ah, the fourth grade will now favor us with a melody... er... medley of Holiday favorites. The class sing Jingle Bells... {C}CLASS Dancing through the snow, In a one-horse open sleigh, O'er the fields we go, Dancing all the way, ho ho ho... MARGE Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel. ...but Bart creates his own lyrics. BART Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke its wheel, the Joker got awa-aah! He is pulled off stage by Skinner. The scene fades from Homer looking bored to Homer looking even more bored. SKINNER The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene form Charles... uh... Dickens'... A Christmas Carol. HOMER Oh, How many grades does this school have? At the Simpsons' home, Marge is writing a letter. We hear her reading the letter in her head. MARGE "Dear friends of the Simpson family. We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First, the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven. But we bought a new little cat Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of live going on, Grandpa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's, and Bart... well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all." HOMER Marge! Haven't you finished that stupid letter yet? MARGE "Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays..." HOMER Marge! MARGE "...the Simpsons." HOMER Marge! Where's the extension cord? MARGE For heaven sakes, Homer, its in the utility drawer. HOMER Sorry I'm just a big kid. I love Christmas so much. He opens the drawer and finds that the extension cord is tangled up. HOMER D'oh! MARGE All right, children, let me have those letters. I'll send them to Santa's workshop at the North Pole. BART Oh please, there's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa. MARGE {C}(looking at Lisa's list) A Pony? Oh Lisa, you have asked for that for the past three years, and I keep telling you that Santa cant fit a pony in his sleigh. Cant you take a hint? LISA But I really want a pony and I have been really really good this year. MARGE Oh, dear. Maybe Bart is a little more realistic. (reading) A tattoo?! HOMER A what? BART Yeah, they're cool, and they last for the rest of your life. MARGE You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas. HOMER Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance. BART All right! MARGE Homer! The phone rings. Homer answers it. HOMER Hello? PATTY Marge please. HOMER Who is this? PATTY May I please speak to Marge? HOMER This is her sister isn't it? PATTY Is Marge there? HOMER Who shall I say is calling? PATTY Marge please. HOMER {C}(handing the phone to Marge) It's your sister. MARGE Oh, hello. PATTY Hello Marge, its Patty. Selma and I couldn't be more excited about seeing our baby sister for Christmas Eve. MARGE Well, Homer and I are looking forward to your visit too. Homer makes a strangling sound. PATTY Somehow I doubt that Homer is excited. Of all the men you could have married, I don't know why you picked one who is always so rude to... The scene fades to outside. Homer is putting lights up. After connecting the last one he falls off the roof. BART Good one, Dad. HOMER Okay kids prepare to be dazzled. Marge, turn on the juice! What do you think kids? The lights are pretty pathetic. LISA Nice try, Dad. BART Ugh. FLANDERS {C}(to Todd) Hold your horses, son. (calling from next door) Hey, Simpson! HOMER What is it, Flanders? FLANDERS Do you think this looks okay? BART Whoa, neat-oh! HOMER Its too bright. (muttering) Flanders, what a big show off. Act 2 {C}The family is at the breakfast table. MARGE Kids, do you want to go Christmas shopping? LISA I do! BART All right, the mall! MARGE Go get your money. HOMER Tell us, Marge, where have you been hiding the Christmas money? MARGE Oh, I have my secrets. Turn around. (She pulls a jar of money out of her hair.) You can look now. HOMER Oh, big jar this year! At the mall, Marge and Lisa are looking at the trains and Bart is looking at some tattoos. Bart imagines himself with a "Mother" tattoo. MARGE Oh, Bart that's so sweet. Its the best present a mother could get, and it makes you look so dangerous. Bart decides to go into the store and get one. BART One "Mother" please. TATTOO GUY Wait a minute. How old are you? BART Twenty one, sir. TATTOO GUY Get in the chair. At the power plant, Homer is checking the equipment. Everything is in order, even one with a red flashing light. An announcement comes over the tannoy. SMITHERS Attention all personnel. Please keep working during the following announcement. The employees stop to eat donuts. SMITHERS And now, our boss and friend, Mr. Burns. MR. BURNS Hello. I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase safety here at the power plant without increasing the cost to the consumer or affecting management pay raises. However, for you semi-skilled workers, there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more thing Merry Christmas. HOMER Oh, thank god for the big jar. Back at the mall. MARGE Where's that Bart? Bart's screams can be heard. Marge walks into the Tattoo store, and is shocked to see Bart getting a tattoo with the word "Moth" on it. She yanks him out of the chair, and takes him next door to a doctor that can remove the tattoo. BART But Mom, I thought you would like it! DOCTOR Yes, Mrs. Simpson, we can remove your sons tattoo. Its a simple routine involving lasers. BART Cool! DOCTOR However, it is expensive we must insist on a cash payment up front. MARGE Cash? DOCTOR Mm-hmm. MARGE Thank god for Homers Christmas bonus. The doctor turns the laser on. BART Aye Carumba! DOCTOR Now, what ever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want this sucker near your eye or your groin. Back at home. Lisa touches Bart's arm. BART Ow! Quit it. (she does it again) ''Ow! Quit it. ''(she does it again) ''Ow! Quit it ''(Maggie touches his arm) ''Ow! Quit it. Homer walks into the room. HOMER Hey, what's this? ''(he touches Bart's arm) BART Ow! Quit it. It used to be a real boss tattoo. LISA But Mom had to spend all the Christmas money to have it surgically removed. Marge shows him the empty jar. HOMER Oh, its true! The jar is empty! Oh my god, we're ruined. Christmas is canceled, no presents for anyone. MARGE Don't worry Homer we'll just have to stretch your Christmas bonus even farther this year. HOMER Aah! MARGE Homer? HOMER Oh, yeah... my Christmas bonus. Hee hee... how silly of me. This will be best Christmas yet. The best any family ever had! He goes outside, and looks at his measly decorations, then Flanders' extravagant decorations. He hangs his head in shame. Act 3 Homer and Marge are in bed. MARGE I get the feeling there's something you haven't told me Homer. HOMER Huh? Oh, I love you Marge. MARGE Oh, you tell me that all the time. HOMER Good, because I do love you. I don't deserve you as much as a guy with a fat wallet and a credit card that wont set off that horrible beeping. MARGE Well, I think it does have something to do with your Christmas bonus. I keep asking for it, but... HOMER Marge, let me be honest with you. MARGE Yes? HOMER Well... I... I want to do the Christmas shopping this year! MARGE Well, sure, okay. She hands him a piece of paper. Homer smiles in a big grin, and Marge switches the lights out. Homer's eyes and teeth can still be seen. Homer is at the store, shopping. HOMER Marge, Marge, mmm, lets see... oh, look! Pantyhose! Practical and alluring. A six pack, oh, only 4.99. Ooh, pads of paper. I bet Bart could think of a million things to do with these. That just leaves little Maggie... oh look, a little squeak toy! It says its for dogs, but she cant read. Outside, Homer runs into Flanders and they both drops their boxes. FLANDERS Oh, ho ho Simpson, its you. HOMER Hello Flanders. FLANDERS Oh my, what a little mess we've got here. Well, which ones are yours and which ones are mine? HOMER Well, lets see. FLANDERS (picking up boxes) Well this one's mine, and this one's mine. This ones mine, and... HOMER They're all yours! TODD Hey, Mr. Simpson. You dropped your pork chop. HOMER (snatching it) Gimme that! FLANDERS Well, happy holidays Simpson! TODD (walking off) Gee Dad, this is going to be the best Christmas ever. FLANDERS You bet! Homer is at Moe's Tavern. MOE What's the matter, Homer? Did someone leave a lump of coal in your stocking? You've been sitting there sucking on a beer all day long. HOMER So? MOE So, its Christmas. (He hands Homer a candy cane) HOMER Thanks Moe. Barney enters. BARNEY Drinks all around! HOMER What's with the crazy get up, Barn? BARNEY I got me a part time job working as a Santa down at the mall. HOMER Wow, can I do that? BARNEY I dunno, they're pretty selective. (he belches) Homer is being interviewed for the Santa job. MANAGER Do you like children? HOMER What do you mean, all the time? Even when they're nuts? (the manager frowns at him) Uh, I certainly do! MANAGER Welcome aboard, Simpson. Pending your completion of our training program that is. Homer is in a classroom, filled with Santa look-a-likes. SANTAS Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Homer raises his hand. TEACHER What is it now, Simpson? HOMER Uh, when do we get paid? TEACHER Not a dime till Christmas Eve. Now, from the top. SANTAS Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! Later in class. HOMER Um, Dasher... Dancer... TEACHER Mm-hmm. HOMER Prancer... TEACHER Mm-hmm. HOMER Nixon... Comet... Cupid... Donna Dixon? TEACHER Sit down, Simpson. Later again. The teacher is sat on Homer's lap. HOMER And what would you like, little boy? TEACHER You're not really Santa, tubby. HOMER Why you little...! (he tries to strangle the manager) TEACHER Hey! No Homer, if such an emergency arises just tell them Santa is very busy this time of year, and you're one of his helpers. HOMER D'oh, I knew that one too. Back at home. Homer has just arrived back. MARGE Homer, why are you 7 hours late? HOMER Not a word Marge, I'm heading straight for the tub. MARGE But Homer, my sisters are here, don't you want to say hello? Homer shudders. BART & LISA Daddy, Daddy! BART Welcome home! LISA Where so glad to see you! HOMER Why? Oh yeah. Hello Patty, hello Selma, how was your trip. PATTY Fine. HOMER You both look well. SELMA Thank you. HOMER Yeah, well, Merry Christmas. PATTY It's Christmas? You wouldn't know it around here. HOMER And why is that? SELMA Well, for one thing there's no tree. HOMER Well I was just on my way out to get one! LISA Can we go too, Dad? BART Yeah, can we? HOMER No!! Homer drives around, looking for Christmas trees. He passes signs that read "All trees $75, "Trees $60 and up'' and "Christmas trees, slightly irregular, $45''. Finally, he goes to an area marked "No trespassing" and cuts down his own tree. A guard chases after him.'' GUARD Hey you! What do you think you're doing? HOMER Uh-oh. GUARD Hey! Hey! Come back here! H''e shoots several shots off a gun as ''Homer drives off. Back at the house, the family admire the tree. HOMER So, what do you think, kids? Beauty, isn't it? BART Wow! LISA Way to go, Dad! SELMA Why is there a birdhouse in it? HOMER Oh, that's an ornament. PATTY Do I smell gun powder? At the mall, a boy sits on Homer's lap. BOY And then I want some Robotoids, and then I want a gook monster, and I want I great big... HOMER Ah son, you don't need all that junk. I'm sure you already got something much more important: a decent home, and a loving father that would do anything for you. Hey, I cant afford lunch, give me a bite of that donut. Bart, Milhouse and Lewis watch Homer from the gantry. MILHOUSE Get a load at that quote-unquote Santa. LEWIS I cant believe those kids are falling for it. BART Hey Milhouse, I dare you to sit on his lap. MILHOUSE Oh yeah? Well I dare you to yank his beard off. BART Ah Touché! Back down below. GIRL I hope you feel better, Santa. HOMER Oh, I will when Mrs. Clause's sisters get out of town. Thanks for listening kid. Bart is up next. BART Hey Santa, what's shakin' man? HOMER What's your name Bart... ner... uh, little partner? BART I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? HOMER (angrily) I'm jolly old Saint Nick. BART Oh yeah, we'll just see about that. (Bart pulls his beard off) HOMER D'oh! BART Homer! HOMER I want a word with you in Santa's Workshop little boy! (aside) Cover for me Alphy. BART Don't kill me Dad, I didn't know it was you! HOMER Nobody knows! Its a secret. I didn't get my bonus this year but to keep the family from missing out on Christmas I'd do anything. BART I'll say. You must really love us to sink so low. HOMER Well lets not get mushy son, I still have a job to do. (leaves the workshop) Hey hey! Santa's back! Ho ho (he bangs his head) D'oh! Dammit! Homer is getting paid. HOMER Ah, son, one day you're going to learn the satisfaction of payday - receiving a big fat check for a job well done. CASHIER Simpson, Homer. Here you go. HOMER Come on son lets go cash this baby and get presents for... aah! Thirteen bucks? Hey wait a minute! CASHIER That's right. $120 gross, less Social Security... HOMER Yeah... CASHIER Less unemployment insurance... HOMER But... CASHIER Less Santa training... HOMER Santa training? CASHIER Less costume purchase... HOMER Wait a minute... CASHIER Less beard rental... HOMER But... CASHIER Less Christmas club. HOMER But... CASHIER See you next year. HOMER Ohh... BART Come on dad lets go home. HOMER Thirteen bucks? You can't get anything for thirteen bucks. BARNEY All right, thirteen big ones! Springfield Downs, here I come! HOMER What? BARNEY You heard me, I'm going to the dog track. I got a hot little puppy in the fourth race. Want to come? HOMER Sorry Barney, I may be a total wash out of a father but I'm not going to take my kid to a sleazy dog track on Christmas Eve. BARNEY Come on Simpson, the dogs name is Whirlwind. Ten to one shot. Money in the bank. HOMER Uh-uh. BART Aw, come on Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, its that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it going to happen to us. HOMER Well, okay lets go. (walking off) Who's Tiny Tim? At the Simpsons home. Everyone is watching the Happy Little Elves. ELF #1 Hey, Moley, do you think Santa will be able to find Elf County under all this snow? ELF #2 I doubt it, Bubbles. We'll be sad little elves this Christmas. LISA Oh no! GRAMPA Oh Brother. SELMA Where's your husband? PATTY Yeah, its getting late. MARGE Well, he said he went caroling with Bart. At the dog track. Bart is on Barney's shoulders. BART & BARNEY We're in the money! We're in the money! HOMER I can't believe I'm doing this. They walk past a child with his father. KID Can we open our presents now, Dad? FATHER You know the tradition, son, not till the eighth race. HOMER Hey Barney, which one is Whirlwind? BARNEY Number six. That's our lucky dog right over there. He won he last five races. HOMER What, that scrawny little bag of bones? BART Come on Dad, they're all scrawny little bags of bones. HOMER Yeah, you're right. I guess Whirlwind is our only hope for a Merry Christmas. ANNOUNCER Attention racing fans, we have a late scratch in the fourth race. Number eight Sir Galahad will be replaced by Santa's Little Helper once again Sir Galahad has been replaced by Santa's Little Helper. HOMER Bart did you here that? What a name - Santa's Little Helper. It's a sign. It's an omen. BART It's a coincidence, Dad. HOMER (at the betting desk) What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper? MAN Ninety nine to to one. HOMER Wow! Ninety nine times thirteen equals... Merry Christmas! BART I got a bad feeling about this. HOMER Don't you believe in me son? BART Uh... HOMER Come on boy, sometimes your face is all that keep me going. BART Oh... go for it, Dad. HOMER That's my boy! (to the clerk) Everything on Santa's little Helper. Back at home. The Happy Little Elves reaches a happy end. ELVES Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray! LISA Yay! GRAMPA Unadulterated pap. PATTY It's almost nine o'clock. SELMA Where is Homer anyway? PATTY It's typical of the big doofus to spoil it all. LISA What Aunt Patty? PATTY Oh nothing, dear. I'm just trashing your father. LISA Well, I wish that you wouldn't. Because aside from the fact that he has the same frailties as all human beings, he's the only father I have. Therefore, he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern the prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you beer in mind that any knock at him is a knock at me, and I am far to young to cartoon myself against such onslaughts. PATTY Mmm-hmm. Go watch your cartoon show, dear. Back at the dog track. HOMER Come on Bart, kiss the ticket for good luck. Not that we need it! ANNOUNCER Here comes Shirley the mechanical rabbit. And they're off. Around the first turn, it's Whirlwind in the lead, and coming up on the left is Quadruped followed by Dog of War and Fido. Bart and Homer cheer for Santa's Little Helper. ANNOUNCER Dog of War coming up fast on the outside. And in last place... is Santa's Little Helper. HOMER D'oh! Oh... BART Don't worry Dad. Maybe this is just for suspense before the miracle happens. HOMER Come on you stupid dog. BART Come on boy. ANNOUNCER Whirlwind wins by a country mile followed by Dog of War. HOMER D'oh! BART It doesn't seem possible, but I guess TV has betrayed me. HOMER I don't want leave till I dog finishes. (long pause) Ah forget it, lets go. Outside the dog track, Bart and Homer looks for a winning ticket. HOMER Find any winners son? BART Sorry, Dad. Barney drives up, with a woman in the passenger seat. BARNEY Hey Simpson, what did I tell you - Whirlwind. Lets go Daria. They drive off. A man starts shouting. MAN Beat it! Scram, get lost! You came in last for the last time! BART Look Dad, its Santa's Little Helper. MAN And don't come back! The dog runs towards Homer & Bart. HOMER Oh no you don't! No, no, get away from me! Uh-uh. BART Oh, can we keep him dad please. HOMER But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's... (the dog licks Homer) ... a Simpson. Back at the Simpson home. MARGE Mmm... maybe we should call the police. PATTY He'll sober up. SELMA Yeah, come staggering home. PATTY Uh-huh. Smelling like cheap perfume. Homer & Bart enter. MARGE Homer! GRAMPA (waking up) What? Wha? HOMER Look everybody, I have a confession to make. PATTY This should be good. HOMER I didn't get my Christmas bonus. I tried to not let it ruin Christmas for everybody, but no matter what I did... BART Hey everybody, look what we got! LISA A dog! All right dad! MARGE God bless him. LISA So love at first sight is possible. BART And if he runs away he'll be easy to catch. MARGE This is the best gift of all, Homer. HOMER It is? MARGE Yes, something to share our love. And frighten prowlers. LISA What's he's name? HOMER Number 8. I mean, Santa's Little Helper. The family all pet the dog. The moment is captured in a snapshot, with "Happy Holidays from The Simpsons" written on it. The Simpsons family then sing "Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer" (a la Simpson) over the closing credits. Grampa is sat at the piano. Bart and Lisa interrupt the song. ALL Rudolph the Red nosed reindeer, Had a very shiny nose, And if you ever saw it, You would even say it glows. BART Like a light bulb! HOMER Bart! ALL All of the other reindeer, Used to laugh and call him names. LISA Like Schnozzola! HOMER Lisa! ALL They never let poor Rudolph, Join in any reindeer games. BART Like strip poker! HOMER I'm warning you two! ALL Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say, MARGE Take it Homer. HOMER Er... Rudolph, get your nose over here, So you can drive my sleigh... today... GRAMPA Oh, Homer... ALL Then all the reindeer loved him, And they shouted out with glee, Rudolph the red nose reindeer, You'll go down in history! BART Like Attila the Hu- ught urk! HOMER You little... grrrr!! Category:Transcript Category:The Simpsons Transcripts